Part One – Foundation of Lies
This blog has been all over the place, so in the spirit of trying to maintain some continuity, I’ve decided to entertain everyone with tales of living with a crazy person.
I recently escaped a long, long, long relationship with an egocentric narcissist. It actually took ten years from the light bulb moment of “I need to get out of here” to the first cleansing breath at the realization that he was finally, actually, (mostly), gone.
But long before that day he was nothing more than a good-looking coworker. One thing about narcissists–they always know how to get what they want. It’s their primary function. They can be super charming and are masters at telling people what they want to hear in order to best manipulate them.
In hindsight, it’s easy to piece together the lies and misconceptions. The toughest part for me was trying not to wallow in guilt for not being “smart enough” to see through the bullshit from the beginning. It’s hard to keep in mind that some people are masters of deception and love to use vague language so the tables can later be turned to make everything your fault. “You misunderstood” or “You heard wrong” or “You’re crazy”.
If you think you might be dealing with a narcissist, ask direct questions. Do not use euphemisms or assume that they understood your question. (They understand perfectly, but they will pretend not to when given the opportunity.) In my case, my first mistake was asking, “How long has it been since you’ve been with anyone?” What I meant was, “How long since you’ve had sex with anyone?” His answer? “Two years.”
I was instantly smitten by the idea of such a handsome guy having enough self-control to stay celibate for two years. What a guy! It was the first of many misunderstandings on my part. In reality, he had already slept with several of my coworkers, most likely during the same week of my question and possibly even the same day. When confronted about his “lie” much later, he insisted that he’d hadn’t been in a relationship in two years and obviously that had been what I’d meant.
What a guy.